


Dear Diary

by WhatTheDog



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Diarmuid really needs a cold shower, Diary/Journal, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Melodrama, No Plot/Plotless, Pining, Wet Dream, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23363923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheDog/pseuds/WhatTheDog
Summary: Hello Diary,According to your cover, the common way to address an item such as yourself is with the greeting of “dear.” However, considering we have just met, I am not sure I feel comfortable referring to you so casually, so until we are better acquainted, I shall start with the always popular “hello.”In a series of diary entries, Diarmuid chronicles his tortuous descent into earthshattering horniness for local berserker, Cú Alter.
Relationships: Cú Chulainn Alter | Berserker/Diarmuid Ua Duibhne | Lancer
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61





	Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was actually supposed to be the new chapter of And Gáe Bolg Makes Three, but then it got over 5K words and that's just too long for a drabble. It needs to be its own fic. Many thanks to viceturtle for the awesome illustrations. Check out the end notes for those. 
> 
> Anyway, this is the most shamelessly self-indulgent thing I've ever written. I hope you enjoy it.

**Chaldea Day 123 from Date of Summoning** :

Hello Diary,

According to your cover, the common way to address an item such as yourself is with the greeting of “dear.” However, considering we have just met, I am not sure I feel comfortable referring to you so casually, so until we are better acquainted, I shall start with the always popular “hello.”

I’m sure you’re wondering who I am, and how you came to be in my possession. For the former, I am the First Spear of the Fianna, Diarmuid, grandson of Duibhne and foster son of Aengus Óg. Maybe that doesn’t mean much to you, but I was regarded well enough to become a Heroic Spirit, and now I assist my Master as a servant of Chaldea. Which, for the latter, is how _you_ found your way into my possession.

For Master’s birthday, she chose to host what is called a “white elephant” gift exchange. Unlike a normal birthday celebration, where the guests bring gifts only for the distinguished person of the hour, everyone brings one gift and places it in a pile, after which—one by one—all the presents are picked by every guest. But there’s a catch: people may steal a more desirable gift from someone else and leave their own unwanted gift behind. Unfortunately, this turned into a big mess with some servants getting angry, and eventually harsh words were thrown around.

Anyway, I somehow ended up with you, my adorable little friend. If you could only see yourself. Your cover is pink with the words “Hello Kitty Dear Diary,” and there is a friendly, white anthropomorphic cat waving at me, the viewer. A few of the other servants laughed at me for having such a childish present, but truthfully, I think your whole design is very charming. There’s even nice little encouragements written on the bottoms of the pages. Today’s page says, “Hope you have a great day.” I will, Diary!

**Chaldea Day 124 from Date of Summoning:**

Hello Diary,

Not much to report today. Quetzalcoatl invited me over for hot cocoa (it was spicy! I’ve never had spicy chocolate before, what an experience) and we traded stories for a few hours. Then I met up with Lancer Cú Chulainn for several rounds of sparring. I’m always impressed with his skill; while I am no slouch myself, he is utterly ferocious in combat. I’m glad we’re on the same team!

Compared with a lot of servants, Cú and myself get along very well. We’re both originally from Ireland, even if from different periods in time, and we both greatly admire Scáthach, his mentor. In fact, I really like all versions of Cú.

Well… almost all versions.

You see, there’s Lancer, Caster, and Proto—I get along with all of them. But Alter? I can’t really say. He mostly keeps to himself, doesn’t talk much, and generally has the aura of someone who will disembowl you should you happen to come across as irritating. I’ll wave at him occasionally, but besides that, I try not to bother him. If I’m seeing his good side, I don’t want to know what he’s like in a bad mood.

**Chaldea Day 126 from Date of Summoning:**

I apologize, Diary, for not adding an entry yesterday, but it slipped my mind when I went on a supplies mission with Master and guess who else? The aforementioned Cú Alter.

Now he was just as taciturn and cold as he usually was outside of battle, but during the fight? It’s almost mesmerizing to watch. He straddles this line between beast and warrior, all claws and spears and power. And he’s so fast, too. I wouldn’t think that a servant of his size could have such agility, but I learned after the mission that his stat rivals mine. A+—that’s unbelievable!

Well, he may not have been much for conversation, but after we’d acquired our supplies, I congratulated him on the victory, and he did nod in a cordial manner. While it isn’t much, it was more than I would have expected from someone with his reputation. Perhaps he’s friendlier than he appears. Maybe he’s shy even? Who knows.

The lights are dimming now. I should probably head to bed.

Goodnight, Diary

**Chaldea Day 127 from Date of Summoning:**

Hello Diary,

I actually took the advice listed at the bottom of yesterday’s page: “Today's a great day to talk to someone you don’t normally talk to!” You’ll never guess who it could have been.

‘But how did the opportunity arise?’ you may be wondering. Well, apparently some mage bureaucrat declared that all the servants needed to be registered for official policy, and there was an incredibly long queue considering it was… every single servant.

In front of me was Nitocris and Ozymandias, happily yammering away, and behind me was, of course, Cú Alter. Now, I kept to myself in the beginning, but that little nugget of advice wouldn’t stop whispering in my ear, so much to my berserker companion’s surprise, I greeted him and asked my typical conversation starters: “How are you today?” “Long line, isn’t it?” “Can you believe we have to do this?”

So on and so forth.

Like on the mission, he really wasn’t much for words. I carried the conversation mostly by myself, and he’d occasionally give a one-word reply or a grunt. I wasn’t really focused on that, though. Honestly, the majority of the time all I could think about was his size. Now, Diary, you may not have eyes, but if you must visualize me, know that I am a decent height and am in peak physical condition. Ergo, I am not small.

But Cú is just… something else. He stands over a head taller than me and he’s so broad-shouldered, way more than his other class variants. Combined with his over-the-top outfit, he’s practically larger than life. It’s almost intimidating just being in his presence. Almost. He was actually rather accomodating and didn’t seem too annoyed with my questions. I think he might have enjoyed it somewhat. My shy hypothesis might not be too far off.

Thanks for the advice, Diary. I may have made someone’s day, and it’s all because of you.

**Chaldea Day 128 from Date of Summoning:**

Hello Diary,

It’s always nice catching up with a friend. Artoria was back from her mission, and we spent the day together. For lunch, we made katsudon and drank it down with these cute little sodas called Ramune. Not a very fitting meal for the British Isles, but apparently our time in Japan rubbed off on both of us, her moreso than me.

Afterward, we went a few rounds in the sparring arena. She’s honestly breathtaking. That perfect combination of grace and lethal swordsmanship. Sometimes I wonder if my admiration strays closer to infatuation, but I think both of us are happy just staying friends. Still, she truly shines like the stars. I’m so glad I know her.

Once all was said and done, I started walking back to my quarters when I heard the somewhat monotone, yet unmistakable, voice of Cú Alter wishing me a good afternoon. True, he didn’t use my name, but he was looking right at me. I must have been quite the sight, just staring at him wordlessly, but it was just that unexpected! I managed to snap out of it and wish him the same, after which we continued on our way. I’m still thinking about it, though. What a tiny thing to obsess over!

**Chaldea Day 129 from Date of Summoning:**

Unbelievable. Just… unbelievable.

I wanted to spar with Cú Lancer today, but Master picked him for the mission, so instead I decided I’d just train at the simulator by myself. Before I got in, however, I ran into Cú Alter and—thinking over our previous encounter—I decided I’d try my luck and strike up a conversation.

And he talked to me.

It wasn’t the most enlightening, dazzling conversation I’ve ever had, but it was _something._ More than what he said in line. He talked a little bit about the last mission we went on, and he actually paid me a compliment for my ability to dual wield. Well, I was a little praise-drunk hearing that from an SSR servant, and—perhaps pushing my E-rank luck—I invited him to spar with me.

He said yes!

Now I was a little apprehensive, because generally a servant of his caliber versus a servant of mine should spell disaster. I can’t hit anywhere near as hard as he can. But he didn’t overwhelm me. He was a great partner; in fact, I even taught him a couple tricks should he ever decide to use two spears.

It was so strange, Diary. I usually think of him as cold and aloof, but being that close to him, I realized there’s a certain… heat he gives off. Both a physical and metaphysical thing. When I corrected his form, I could feel the warmth beneath his skin, but there’s also this energy he radiates, like the thrill of the hunt, the dance of battle, and even the hearth: you know, when you have that first bite of stew after a long winter’s journey.

Goodness, I’m getting carried away. Cú Alter is certainly not a stew. He’s just a berserker servant.

Please forgive my nonsense, Diary.

**Chaldea Day 130 from Date of Summoning:**

Well Diary,

I think I may have misread my blossoming friendship with Cú Alter. Today, I saw him in one of the lounges sitting on a couch, and I ran over to say hello, but as soon as he saw me draw near, he got up and left. Part of me wanted to ask why, but I decided against it. If he doesn’t wish to see me, I won’t press my luck.

Still, my stomach has been in a knot all day because of it. I’m not sure why such a simple thing is causing me so much anguish—people have certainly treated me far worse. Maybe it was the foolish hope that I’d managed to pierce the armor of such a notoriously antisocial servant. Maybe I’m just thin-skinned. I can’t say for certain.

Complicated, complicated, complicated. I don’t know what to think of anything. Hope your night is less confusing than mine, Diary.

**Chaldea Day 131 from Date of Summoning:**

Argh! I don’t know what to make of this man.

First, he’s so friendly to me (or at least not totally silent), then he departs when he sees me approaching, and now he’ll sit next to me at a Chaldea meeting. What is the meaning of this?

I must admit, I was still a little miffed from his behavior the day before, so I tried to ignore him in the beginning. But he’s just… hard to ignore. Blue hair and black cape and that overwhelming presence—it didn’t help that I could feel his penetrating gaze on me the entire time. I wanted to glare at him, for being so intrusive, but when my eyes met his, it’s like my mind went blank. They’re like gemstones, those eyes. They make me think of the sophisticated and the primal at the same time, like fire and wine and velvet, all wrapped into one. There’s just so much to take in, and I was getting lost before he cleared his throat.

“This subject is rather dull,” he said, in the flattest voice I’d ever heard, yet my heart hammered all the same.

Not sure what was happening, I just nodded and pretended to cough. Anything to look in another direction. The room was suddenly much warmer than it had been a minute ago—maybe someone touched the thermostat—and all the heat seemed to have settled in my cheeks. I practically bolted once the meeting was over.

I am a mess, Diary.

**Chaldea Day 132 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

Yes, I believe we are at this stage for such familiar terms. At least I hope we are, considering I have been sharing my innermost thoughts with you for several days.

I also hope you’re prepared for today.

I am the greatest of fools, Diary. Just the biggest fool who has ever walked through Chaldea’s halls. This whole time I was feeling so offended over something I perceived Cú Alter to have done, and now I found out he never meant any offense by it.

Let me explain.

Master picked the both of us for a mission. Not a very complicated quest; only a few enemies to take out. But before we rayshifted home, I decided to be brave and ask him why he was in such a hurry to leave when he saw me approaching the other day. He frowned at my accusatory tone, and told me that I had walked in so quickly and so purposefully that he'd assumed I had wanted to sit on the couch he had occupied, so therefore he'd moved for my sake.

I must have been so red, Diary. Here I was, agonizing over something that never truly occurred. I didn’t even realize I must have seemed so frantic on that particular day. I apologized profusely, asked him if he wanted to spar the next day—oh no, he said yes—and throughout my figurative prostrating he actually seemed… amused? He even smiled. I’ve never seen him smile before: all those sharp teeth on display. I had goosebumps staring at them, but I couldn’t look away. Just his face in general… the scarlet tattoos and the white of his fangs and the silver of his earrings—it’s all so vibrant. To think, before this I’d always thought of him as washed out, nothing but red and black.

But even those colors! The contrast between light and dark, hot and cold, like smoke and sea. Even his scent is so complex: he smells like spiced mead and honey and the sunset on the ocean and

I’m rambling, aren’t I? That’s all, Diary.

Goodnight.

**Chaldea Day 133 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

Today has been a rollercoaster. That’s a contraption, I’m told, that takes you on loops and curves and makes you sick to your stomach. Seems fitting.

I was so nervous today. I’m not even sure the reason for my anxiety. I mean, I spar with several different people regularly, yet now I’m jittery at the thought of crossing blades with Cú Alter.

We meet up, he’s quietly cordial like usual, then the round starts and… he wipes the floor with me. I didn’t have time to catch my breath, he just rushed at me and didn’t let up. And gods, can he hit. Every time I blocked I swear my teeth rattled in my skull. After a few minutes my muscles were screaming at me, but he didn’t seem winded at all. He was relentless, blow after blow, while my parries were getting weaker and weaker, and before I knew it, I was flat on my back with his spear aimed at my throat and his foot on my chest.

“Checkmate,” he said, and I could swear his eyes gleamed. Like stars.

Now here is where it gets embarrassing, Diary. You see, I was mildly dazed from the constant barrage, but even so, there was something about being held down like that with him looming over me and… my body reacted. My face burned like a forge, and as soon as his spear left, I faced away from him to hide my shame.

Why did this happen? I wasn’t sure what to think, and I guess he thought I must have wanted a break because I was sitting with my back turned, so he took a seat next to me. My mouth was dry as a desert and my palms were clammy—such a strange dichotomy of sensation—and Diary, when I’m nervous I can’t shut up. I started talking to fill the void, considering he’s usually such a man of few words, and he just listened the entire time. There was a quiet intensity in the way he looked at me. Like he could see right through me. I told so many bad jokes as a distraction from those eyes; my brain was on autopilot, yet he still laughed politely a few times.

I don’t even know what I talked about, but apparently I went on for quite a while, because eventually he pulled me to my feet and told me we must be getting back to our quarters. Evening! How could I have gone on for so long?

We said good night, and he bowed to me, just a slight dip of his head, but it made my own head swim and I choked when I repeated the farewell back to him.

I don’t know what’s coming over me, Diary. Maybe I need to avoid Cú Alter. I don’t know if I can live with another event like that.

**Chaldea Day 134 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

I am drowning in shame. It makes my skin crawl to describe such indecent things to you when you appear so innocent and child-like. I cannot imagine what you must think of me, but my soul flounders and my stomach leaps like the dolphins I used to watch back in Ireland.

I dreamed of him last night.

Yes, him, the one who fills these pages. We were sparring, just as we had, but this time instead of his foot and his spear at my throat, his body covered mine. His eyes were so close, and I could feel the heat of his breath, our faces just centimeters apart.

“Checkmate,” he whispered, and his mouth devoured mine, and my dream self touched him everywhere I could, tracing the hills and valleys and peaks of his body, and his teeth sank into my skin and my eyes watered and I screamed his name and

I woke up to sheets sticky with sweat and other secretions. I… I am ashamed, Diary. I have not done such a thing since I was an adolescent, but now I am a man—a man lusting after a fellow servant, one who has no idea that I have twisted the simple invitation of friendship into something so vulgar. Especially considering my past and his.

It is best that I avoid him. I am glad he was not in Chaldea today, rather on some mission with Master. It will take great strength to resist temptation and not break my promise.

I apologize for telling you such things, Diary. Hopefully my thoughts will clear up after this.

**Chaldea Day 135 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

Your encouraging phrase on the bottom of today’s page gave me immense relief: “Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.” While intellectually I know you are not sentient and cannot actually listen to me, it feels like you are reassuring me that it is okay to share my thoughts, even the indecent ones.

Unfortunately, I have bad news… I failed in my quest.

It wasn’t entirely my fault. You see, he actually was the one who sought me out. As I mentioned earlier, at our last encounter I started rambling to calm my nerves, and while the substance of my words was lost to me, Cú heard what I said.

He brought me plums from the mission. Apparently during my incoherence, I mentioned that I had never tried a plum before and wished to change this. He presented the fruit to me—almost eagerly, so strange to see Cú Alter as anything other than stoic—and practically implored that I eat one right there.

Well, I didn’t want to be rude, especially since he had gone out of his way to bring me such a nice gift. I took out the second largest plum of the stash, then offered the largest to him. The surprise on his face! His eyes actually grew wide, and his lips parted, just slightly, but enough that my mind went elsewhere, to a place I dare not speak of.

“But they are for you,” he said.

I tried to smile while my mind thought such unholy things. “Please, I insist,” I said, as calmly as I could, not wanting to reveal my secret desperation.

Hesitantly, he accepted my offering and we toasted—a bit of an awkward gesture since he wasn’t expecting the action—then bit into our fruits.

Oh Diary, it was one of the best things I’ve ever tasted. It was perfectly ripe, the flesh so yielding to my teeth, and the texture of the meat—firm, yet not overly crisp. It exploded in my mouth and, embarrassingly, juice went everywhere, all down my chin and over my fingers, but I was so enraptured in the exquisite flavor combination of tart and sweet that I didn’t even notice at first. I only became aware of the mess when I realized Cú hadn’t actually taken his bite.

Instead, he stared at me. And I mean, _stared._ His lips were a flat line, his jaw rigid, and his pupils black holes, so dilated they almost swallowed the red of his irises. His own plum had actually started to bleed its juice from how tightly he clutched it. I was mortified—he must have been disgusted by my manners.

Warmth rushed into my cheeks and I mumbled out an apology, wishing I had some kind of sanitary cloth or anything to clean all that sticky liquid. With none present, I tried to surreptitiously lick the juice off my fingers, but that only made the situation worse.

“Here,” Cú said, startling me from my endeavor, his breathing almost ragged for some reason, “let me help you.” His clawed hand reached toward my face and wiped the juice off my chin. Then he licked the offending liquid off, and gods, I couldn’t handle it. I excused myself and sped away, humiliated by my childish behavior, that I was so careless when eating a piece of fruit that Cú felt the need to assist in cleaning my face. By the betrayal of my own body, blood pooling in my face and lower half in a way that would have been impossible to hide had I stayed.

I secluded myself in my quarters the rest of the day, Diary. I cannot show my face to anyone, let alone Cú. I am a disgrace.

**Chaldea Day 136 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

I remained in my room for the majority of the day. I probably would have stayed the whole day had Artoria not knocked on my door this evening and invited me to dinner. I accepted, albeit hesitantly.

My nerves were on overdrive the entire walk to her quarters. What if I ran into Cú Alter? I didn’t dare entertain the thought.

Unsurprisingly, Artoria asked me about my behavior once we reached our destination. I couldn’t keep a secret from her—I broke down, confessing my deepest shame. I wasn’t sure how she would react: would she be similarly horrified, or would she console me in my time of need?

Neither apparently. She pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes. I wondered if I’d offended her, but when I asked, she just shook her head and scoffed. “I am not offended, Diarmuid. But you are a fool.”

“I know that!” I cried. “I have already realized my predicament.”

She didn’t respond. Only a sigh, then an odd little chortle. How could my pain be so amusing to her? I left in a bad mood.

Why would my closest friend act this way, Diary? I do not understand.

**Chaldea Day 137 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

The confinement and lack of physical activity have started to affect my already damaged mental state, so earlier today I ventured forth from my quarters.

This was a mistake, Diary. What a mistake.

I’m sure you’ve already guessed what must have happened, but if you need help, then I will cut to the chase—I ran into him, Diary. Cú Alter.

I skirted down each hallway, my eyes darting left and right, desperate to avoid his presence while I made my way to the training simulator. But as I turned a corner, my hairs stood on end when I heard that familiar voice say my name.

That was the first time he’s used it. I don’t think he’s actually referred to me personally during any of our conversations, and Diary, the things it did to me. I froze in my tracks. All of a sudden, I was so aware of my body, my face burning while my feet were numb, the beating of my overexcited heart, the sweat on my palms and the breath trapped in my lungs. He strode toward me, and I hid my face, because oh Diary, I couldn’t bear to look at him, to let him witness my weakness.

“Diarmuid,” he said again, and electricity shot down my spine. “You dropped your plums. I thought I’d bring them to you.”

Diary, it was so mundane, but the guilt I felt. He held out the bag, and I could see through the opening that I had bruised those sweet, purple treats. Somehow my face grew even hotter and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I nearly choked as I wordlessly accepted them.

“Are you unwell?” Cú asked. “You ran away so suddenly the other day, and now you will not even look at me.”

I could not lie to him. All I could do was nod, but upon realizing further elaboration was needed, I forced my cracking voice to say, “We cannot see each other anymore. I cannot be in your presence. The effects are too great.”

There was silence, then a quiet “I see” from Cú. Even though I would not look at his face, I could see his body shift as he lowered his head. “I’ve watched you stiffen and turn away from me, even flee on several occasions. I hoped if I were amicable enough, it would be enough to overcome the severe response I tend to elicit from others. I can see now that I was mistaken. From this day forward, you will no longer have to endure such distress.” He paused, as if unsure how to continue. "I apologize for the inconvenience," he said, stilted and awkward, like he had never apologized for anything before. 

But I wasn't really thinking about that. In that moment all I wanted to do was sink into the floor. With his back now facing me, he moved down the hall and it took every shred of willpower not to beg him to stay. I wanted to scream his name and grab his hand, hell, I wanted to latch onto his entire body and breathe in that scent of spiced mead and fresh kindling and iron, feel the beat of his heart and the texture of his skin and the heat of his blood. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault I was so weak, that he should not blame himself for the flaws in my character. That he could not help being so awe-inspiring it debilitated my entire being.

But I didn’t, Diary. I just stood there like a statue, a lump in my throat and a lance in my heart, the bag of plums held so slackly I accidentally dropped them all over again. Then he was gone, and I crouched to the floor, actually shaking as I picked up the only reminder that Cú had ever been there at all.

There was no session in the training simulator after that. All I have done is sit in my quarters.

I am lower than a worm, Diary.

**Chaldea Day 138 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

Nothing happened today. I stayed in my room all day. Mostly I just slept.

I hope your day was better, Diary.

**Chaldea Day 139 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

I felt a tiny bit better today, but as soon as I stepped foot out of my quarters, the guilt washed over me and it was like I couldn’t breathe. How could I make someone like Cú—someone who shares my past, who’s experienced the horror of a love geas firsthand—believe my licentious desires are solely his responsibility? No! He deserved a friend, a comrade, a fellow warrior who could laugh with him and share drink and not imagine the two of them in compromising situa

I’m sorry, Diary. My thoughts start wandering and I get carried away. Someday I will conquer this demon that has taken root in my heart. Then, and only then, will I go back to Cú Alter. I will start our friendship anew, and he will no longer have to worry about my weakness.

This is my personal quest. Wish me luck, Diary.

**Chaldea Day 140 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Dairy,

Ther was a celebation today… I do’nt rmember what for, but i got dragged out by my frends and they kept handig me drinks and I thnk I had too much hahahahaha. But it was alot of fun and I even forgt bout being sad and my quest and I danced lik no tomorow. I didnt see Cú which is good, even tho secretly I hoped I wood… because wow, his butt is mmmm. Wanna shove my face in his chest too hahahahaha

Every body laughed at me all nite cuz I kept talking about Cú, but I don’t car. It’s one night to have fn, then quest time! I just gott o be strong and not thinkk about how I want him to slam me against the wall…. Yeahhhhhh. That’s good stuff.

Peace out.

**Chaldea Day 141 from Date of Summoning:**

I cannot show my face to anyone ever again, Diary.

Just reading over the entry from yesterday makes my stomach flip. What could I have said during the party? It was bad enough having Cú know about my feelings, but the idea of the entirety of Chaldea knowing… perhaps I must make a new friend with some high surface. Then dive off of it and hope the fall is enough to fracture my neck and kill me instantly.

I jest, Diary, but I cannot overemphasize my mortification. All day I have heard various servants knocking on my door and hooting out vulgar phrases, most likely things I said during my inebriated state last night. The only reprieve from this torment—or what I assumed was supposed to be a reprieve—was when Artoria let herself into my quarters. She asked if I was alright, if I needed anything, if I wanted to talk.

I told her no, but she didn’t leave. She just stood there, staring at me, for the longest time. Eventually she said, “I think you should talk to Cú Alter again.”

The words left me flabbergasted. I actually laughed. “Why? So my soul can crawl even further into a hole?”

“No, I just—” Then she stopped, groaned, and rubbed her temples. “I’m not going to get anywhere with you, am I?”

I didn’t know what to say, but she shook her head and muttered, “Guess I’ll just have to do it myself.”

What was that about? Some reprieve…

**Chaldea Day 142 from Date of Summoning:**

Dear Diary,

I don’t even know where to begin.

Fear not, today was not a bad day. It was an absolutely wonderful, terrifying mess of a day, but it was the furthest thing from bad; in fact, so far from bad that bad doesn’t even exist anymore. It’s gone. Vanished from the world.

You see, Artoria was true to her word it turns out. She must have talked to Cú Alter. So there I was, minding my own business in my quarters, when I heard a very loud, forceful knock on my door. It practically rattled the whole place it was so powerful.

I peeked through the crack and my heart stopped. In front of me stood Cú, radiating his usual air of dismissive ennui, but there was something else to it this time. There was a flash of mischief in those ruby eyes—just a flash, mind you. Then he said, “May I come in?” and pushed me aside before I could even respond.

Diary, my stomach tore itself to pieces. He’s never been in my quarters before, and everything just seemed too small for him, too out of place. He glanced around at the figurines on the walls and my potted plants and the liquor cabinet and finally onto me, a pile of regret wearing human skin who was trying not to faint in such a regal presence. He was a king once, you know. I actually served him in another Singularity—not that it really matters. We hardly interacted, and I’d like to forget the time I fought against Chaldea’s Master.

“Well,” he said in that deep voice, the tone enough for my knees to tremble, “it seems I have been tricked.”

My breath caught in my throat. He loomed over me, and suddenly I realized I had unconsciously backed into a wall. Those gemstones he called eyes glittered again, his tail swishing like an angry cat, and he said slowly, “To whom does your loyalty lie, Knight of Fianna?”

“To our Master,” I stammered. “To Chaldea, and the rest of humanity.”

He rested a hand by my head on the wall and ‘ _harumphed_.’ “Would you obey her to your last breath? Would you be willing to die for her?”

“Yes,” I whispered, unsure as to what he meant. Was this a punishment? A threat? Did he believe my weakness jeopardized my position as a servant?

Did he think I was a mistake that should be eliminated?

“Even if you found her order to be cruel or revolting?” he asked.

I hesitated. I did not want to die, but I wasn’t sure what answer he wanted. I could only respond truthfully.

“It depends.” I swallowed. “Perhaps there is a higher plan I am not aware of. But should the order contradict the code of chivalry, should it cause depravity, then a command seal would be necessary.”

His lip curled back into a savage smile, almost a snarl with all those fangs present. “And what, pray tell, would you find revolting, dear Knight?”

My heart hammered from the informal modifier. “Senseless murder. The death of innocents. The subjugation of the poor.” Reflexively, my eyes flicked to his crotch. “S-sexual violence.”

“Now tell me,” he said, and I craned my neck, up toward his imposing visage, all bared teeth and gleaming eyes, “haven’t I committed many of these? In my time as king, I’m sure you remember the atrocities America suffered.”

“It was not your doing.” A vice gripped my lungs under that stare. “It was Medb, who—”

“She used no command seal on me. I was her tool, yes, but I still dealt the blows.” He cocked his head. “Do you find me disgusting, _Diarmuid?_ ”

My name. My name from those lips, _his_ lips. “No,” I choked.

“But why?” He ran a tongue over the curve of his mouth, over the full shape and slight pink of _his_ lips. “Do I not fit your criteria?”

He did. Oh Diary, he was right, there was a monster in front of me, remorseless and cruel, but I was not paralyzed with fear—no, it was the burning in my core that reduced my limbs to putty. I had never wanted him more than that moment, as nonsensical as it may be.

“Yes, you are right in that regard. But, no matter your past, your present is with Master. With Chaldea. You are just as loyal as me, if not moreso. Your every moment is dedicated to fighting by our Master’s side, to honing your skill and craft to be the best warrior.” I shuddered as he leaned closer, my skin too warm, too sticky. “How could I find such commendable traits disgusting?”

“Hmm.” He paused. His gaze settled above my head. “Strange… if you must know, I would have thought it obvious. But then again, I never understood your motivation to initiate contact in the first place. I was surprised—why would a servant with your reputation interact with someone as deplorable as me? Although I didn’t understand, I was… intrigued by it. I wondered where it could lead if I chose to be friendly.” He shook his head. “Then, you behaved as expected. You ended conversations prematurely, you would tense and refuse to look at me. I thought I understood. Such a noble knight could only bear so much, and your words at our last meeting cemented this idea: I was revolting to you.”

“No!” I gasped. “That wasn’t—”

He shushed me, his finger coming to rest on my lips for just a second. Every nerve in my face sang, from that rough texture, from how I could practically taste the iron and salt on his skin. “Imagine my surprise when I hear the rumors—the chivalric Diarmuid ua Duibhne made a complete ass of himself at the celebration. Intoxicated beyond reproach, he said things that would make even a sailor blush. About _me._ Then, without any warning, he sends the King of Knights to my door to say there’s something to explain.”

The pleasant buzz faded to mounting horror. His tone had grown acidic, biting, and I realized that I might actually be in danger. There was an urge to manifest my spears, to hold him off just long enough to escape, but I knew it wouldn’t work. He’d eviscerate me before I could reach the door. 

“I have been tricked, Knight of Fianna. Here I believed you to be a man of admirable character and principle, and now I realize you are no better than a dog in heat.”

My face burned, this time not from arousal, but shame. He was disgusted by me. Like I knew he would be. But most horribly of all, even though my hair stood on end and my stomach churned, I still thought his contemptuous sneer to be beautiful. Those scarlet tattoos and his ocean blue hair and powerful build and chiseled jaw—as much as I hated to admit it, Medb had done a spectacular job in his design, highlighting every flawless facet of the regular Cú Chulainn, then multiplying it by a factor of ten.

His laugh snapped me from my musings. It was a harsh noise, like the crunch of gravel. “Look at you… even now you stare at me longingly. You are not at all the hero I envisioned you to be.”

Oh Diary, I wanted to cry. I could not handle this torture. I started to slide down the wall, my throat far too tight, my fists curled. I just wanted him gone, just wanted to dig a hole and then let the earth swallow me whole.

Imagine my surprise when I found my feet no longer made contact with anything solid. Instead, they dangled in the air, suspended by my tormentor, who pinned me against the wall, that evil gleam in his eyes now closer to hunger. His face was so close, Diary, so close. That scent of spiced mead and smoke made my head swim, and with our hips pressed together in such a way… I had to stifle a moan.

“Yes, you are not how I imagined at all,” he purred, his pupils just as huge and cavernous as when he watched me eat the plum, “and I couldn’t be more pleased.”

Then he kissed me and it was like fireworks exploded behind my eyes. There was a delicious limpness, just hanging in his grasp, his mouth coveting mine, like this went deeper than just animalistic desire, like I was water and he was dying from thirst and I could not help but drink just as eagerly. Before I could stop myself, my hands explored his face and his hair and his chest and hips, mapping out every inch of his body and then I was on my feet and his hands were doing the same to me and I lost myself to bliss and heat and the scent of spiced mead.

I won’t go into too much detail, Diary. But it was better than I ever could have dreamed. When his mouth latched onto my neck, my pulse, it was like my nerves danced, when his hand found its way between my legs, I was reduced to jelly. Somehow we ended up on my bed, so pitifully small for someone like him, yet it didn’t matter, nothing mattered but undoing buckles and tearing fabric and kissing, so much kissing, Diary, I never wanted it to stop. Then he pulled me on top of him, skin against skin, bodies together as one and I nearly wept it was so good.

He held me afterward, and I kissed his eyelids and his brow and his nose and tattoos and the line where his forehead melded into his hair. I just couldn’t stop, and he hummed the entire time, this low vibration that made my toes curl, and when he buried his face in my neck, it was like standing in the sunshine after a long rainstorm, just pure warmth, the kind that settles in your bones and makes you glad to be alive.

He’s asleep now, Diary. I crept away to write this entry, to document every emotion of this wonderful day, the build-up, the payoff of… _us_. It’s taken me quite a bit longer to write than I thought it would, but it was so worth it. Maybe I’ll even share the earlier entries with Cú; I’m sure he’ll get a laugh.

Goodness, Diary, I took so long that he’s woken up and now he’s calling me back to bed. I should probably wrap this up, but I just wanted to say… thank you for listening to all my insane ramblings and secret desires. I hope it didn’t bother you too much.

Diarmuid, the loyal and totally hopeless knight, signing out.

Farewell, Diary

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As promised, there are two pictures: one of [Cú leaning over Diarmuid](https://ibb.co/9bv2d30) and one of [Cú pinning Diarmuid against the wall](https://ibb.co/HdWY4Z3). 
> 
> If you want to talk rarepair stuff or have any requests, message me at batman-mustache.tumblr.com


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